


Causal

by Justbeinguseless



Category: Happiest Season (2020)
Genre: Abby/Harper at the beginning, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Break Up, F/F, Heartbreak, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:39:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27870902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justbeinguseless/pseuds/Justbeinguseless
Summary: Abby and Harper go back to their house in Pittsburgh and things are just not the same than before their trip to Harper's hometown. Abby starts to doubt their relationship, wondering if they can move past everything that happened while maintaining an increasingly closer friendship with Riley.Harper just wants to make up for what took place at her childhood house, but Abby keeps pulling away.
Relationships: Abby Holland/Riley Johnson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 181





	Causal

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I wanted to say english is not my first language and I haven't written anything in over 10 years, if there are any mistakes please let me know so I can fix them and learn about it. Thank you (:

It’s been a couple of days since they came back to their apartment, as they both had to return to work and Abby needed to see what she would do about the fish John probably killed, scratch that, definitely killed. The rest of the stay in the Caldwell’s home was pretty uneventful, everyone acting as if once the apologies were over the damage disappeared. It didn’t exactly sit well with Abby but if she was honest with herself, she didn’t have the energy to keep up the drama.

So they went home, and she was tired so she didn’t really acknowledge what happened on the drive back, thinking maybe Harper and her would talk about it once they were more comfortable in their place. What she didn’t count on was on Harper’s extra carefulness around her, going out of her way to please her, as if by doing everything for her would mean all was forgotten, making her feel awkward about bringing it up but also uncomfortable by not letting her do even the smallest of tasks. It was starting to get in her nerves.

“You have to talk to her girl, is obviously eating you up” John advised after she told him what was happening in her home, they were sitting in a coffee shop where they were supposed to be making New Year’s plans, but were instead talking about Harper, again. “And to be honest, as always, you don’t seem too happy”

“It’s not that I’m not happy, I just… look, a lot of things happened that just weren’t directly related to the being in the closet or coming out situation” Abby said running her fingers through her hair. “It’s the fact she lied about coming out and didn’t tell me about it until I had no way out of it, and left out part of the story about Connor, and about Riley… I mean, she outed someone! sure she was a teenager but it feels like she leaves out any information that could change the way I see her”

“You know who should you be telling all this instead of me?” John questioned knowing full well the stories Abby was talking about, since she already told him every detail about the trip the day before. “Your girlfriend” Abby rolled her eyes, knowing he was right. “Seriously, talk to her. I have a feeling that her family doesn’t talk things out, since they were… you know, straight white conservative people who treated their daughters terribly”

“But, do you really think she believes an apology and a heartfelt speech is enough?” She wondered out loud, it seemed plausible by the way Harper was acting

“I wouldn’t know, I don’t read minds” He deadpanned “But considering she isn’t actually acting like everything is normal, I feel inclined to say no.”

“I mean, she isn’t acting like everything is normal, but just constantly trying to do stuff for me and not even talking about how her parents acted or how she acted feels like we’re sweeping it under a rug or something” Abby explained staring at her coffee, which was starting to get cold

“Maybe she doesn’t know how to talk about it just like you, or maybe she thinks that by doing that she compensating for her shitty behaviour” John observed Abby for a moment, trying to read her face, having the feeling there was something else bothering her “This is about something more than just that, which is by the way, a lot. There’s something you’re not talking about, so just spill it lady, you need to go home and talk to your significant other. You know it can’t go on like this, _especially_ considering New Years is days away” Abby sighed, suddenly feeling very tired, all of this emotional roller-coasters from the last few day weren’t doing her any favours. She looked up to meet her friend’s eyes.

“The only time I had a good time in that shitty town was with Riley, she was the highlight of those 5 days, and the only person I felt I could count on” John cleared his throat, and Riley rolled que eyes. “Besides you of course, and before you got there, she was the only person who made me feel comfortable, more like myself. Harper got jealous of me spending time with her and… we kinda have been texting”

“I’m shook you haven’t told me that part before! I really thought we were best friends” John pretended to be hurt gesturing to his chest

“I just didn’t think it would be a big deal! She texted me to know if I was doing okay a bit before I left the town, we didn’t really see each other again” She would have liked to say goodbye to her, but there wasn’t really time for it, sadly. But maybe it was for the better, she had a feeling it could get awkward really fast between the three of them. “I answered, and we have been texting a bit, just little updates on our days, like her suffering through her residency and me with the PhD, not like, full on texting”

“Yeah, cause that would be weird” John rolled his eyes and proceeded to throw her a knowing look

“Dude no, it’s not weird, we became friends, and she’s like, really nice and I love Harper okay, we´re just going through a hard time, that’s all” She answered trying to convey security, but it came out like a nervous rambling.

“If you say so. But please, get your shit together, it’s driving you crazy which means it’s driving me crazy as well. I don’t need more lesbian drama in my life, I have enough with my own gay drama” Abby laughed, remembering the last gay drama her friend was referring to. 

They stayed at the caffe talking about New Year’s plans and Jane’s new book which had John really excited on publishing, going on and on about how good the world was built and how that kid deserved way more recognition from her family. Until it was time to go home and see Harper. She knew John was right in much of what he said, but most importantly about having to talk to Harper about what she was feeling, expressing how the things she said and the way she acted had hurt her, otherwise they’d never be able to move past it.

Sometimes she wondered if she’d be able to do it, or if she even wanted to. A lot of her girlfriend’s past felt foggy at the moment, she didn’t know how many things she excluded when telling her about her life and it left her hanging, wondering if she knew the real Harper or she just knew the one she created after leaving her toxic town, and if her behaviour had actually changed or it was still there in a more subtle way. There was just a lot of doubt on everything and the floor in which she was standing felt rather shaky.

She sighed while walking back to her flat when she received a text. Retrieving her phone from her pocket she noticed it was from Riley, just checking up on her and complaining about a long ass shift she just had. _Just had some coffee with John to vent._ She replied _Also, srry bout ur shift, maybe get some sleep soon ;c_ The response was instantaneous

 **Riley:** Uuh venting, I wonder what about _._

She inserted the ironic emoji at the end. For some reason, they never directly talked about Harper, it just didn’t feel right. She wondered if that was a bad thing, but to be honest with herself she never thought about it for long, just telling herself she was talking to her friend, and since she was her girlfriend’s ex it could get weird, nothing more than that

 **Riley:** Jk, hope you had a good time but also no sleep for me, I have studying to do. U know, like the superexploited resident I am

Abby laughed out loud; she could imagine Riley’s face while writing that. _I’m sure you’ll be fine, you’re awesome._ She really did believe that. _Just remember to also rest, don’t want you falling to ur dead for exhaustion before you can help me with my diagnostic of corneas stupidits._ She smiled at that, Riley was always fun to banter with, she really liked her whole sarcastic vibe.

 **Riley:** Ugh fine, I guess if you put it like that, I have no choice but to obey. Talk to you later, dork.

She opened the door to her apartment while reading that last texting, which made her smile. Riley had that effect in her, even when she was in that terrible town feeling down, she made her have a good time or listened to her if she needed it.

“Oh good, you’re home” Came Harper’s voice from the living room while making her way to the front door. “I take it you had a good time? since you’re all smiley” She smiled at Abby and kissed her cheek while taking her coat and bag from her, hanging the coat and taking the bag to the sofa, with Abby following her.

“Mmm yeah, it was nice” Abby muttered, while putting her hands in her pockets trying to gather some courage and actually talk to her girlfriend, like her best friend insisted on. She should probably omit what caused her smile, because that could become another conversation and a distraction from the main discussion. But could that also count as lying? She was kind of done with secrets and lies. It wasn’t part of their relationship, at least, she thought it wasn’t, until the whole visiting Harper’s family happened.

“You okay? You seem a bit out of it” Harper pointed out from her spot in the couch, observing her girlfriend posture, she seemed tense and wasn’t really looking at her “Are you hungry? I was about to order something for us to eat but I wanted to wait and see what you wanted first” She looked at Abby hopefully, she was really trying to involve her in all of their decisions now, even the smallest ones, in order to show how much she cared about Abby’s feelings, but in all honesty she was really nervous about their relationship, it felt unstable and cracked, not like before the trip. She thought her apology showed how sorry she actually was about the whole ordeal, and she was serious about being caring for the rest of their lives. But it felt like the closer she tried to be with Abby, the bigger the rift grew.

“Whatever you want is cool” Abby didn’t look up from the spot in the floor she was looking at. How was she supposed to start? The last time she tried to talk about something serious Harper told her she was suffocating her; sure, they were still in her hometown and that Harper was different that the one she got to know in Pittsburgh, but still.

“Honey, what are you doing all the way over there, come sit with me” Harper bit her lip, Abby felt really far at the moment and she just wanted for things to go back to normal. Abby finally looked up and saw her girlfriend’s eyes, she seemed worried and Abby felt bad for making her so. She walked over to Harper and sat down next to her, bringing her hands together in front of her. “Okay, there’s definitely something wrong, just tell me, please” Harper brought one of her hands and put it on Abby’s.

“I don’t know how you can’t even know what’s wrong after the shitshow trip we just had a couple of days ago” Abby just blurted out, wincing after saying it. It came out a lot harsher that she meant to and maybe she shouldn’t have waited for so long to talk about it, but hearing Harper ask what was wrong like there shouldn’t be a reason for things to be fucked up made her see red for a few seconds. Harper opened her mouth in shock at the sentence and her whole body froze.

“I- I thought we were past that, we talked about it” She tripped over her words, bringing her hand back to her body and looking into Abby’s eyes, they were cold and hurt.

“We didn’t talk about it at all! You just apologized and that was that, because we had to go back to your parents, and then they acted kind of okay for the rest of the trip and then we came back here, there was literally no talking about it. Just what you said in the gas station” Abby berated herself for not bringing it up sooner, Harper obviously thought the whole ordeal was over as soon as the apology came out of her lips and now she just had to make up for it, without even knowing exactly what she was making up for.

“But... I apologized! I don’t know what else is there to talk about? I really am sorry about everything that happened, and how I made you feel Abby, I never want to hurt you like that again” Harped said with conviction, she knew she fucked up and she really wanted to make up for it, but is not like she could apologise for ever.

“That’s the thing! You say your sorry for hurting me, but do you even know exactly why you’re apologising for?”

“Is this a trick question?” Harper huffed “Listen, I’m sorry for hurting you, but I was in a high stress situation and I did the best that I could, you have no idea what it felt like”

“You’ve got to be _fucking_ kidding me right now!” Abby laughed astonished, the situation was escalating faster than she’d have liked it, but she could not believe how fast Harper turned the tables about who was feeling what “This has nothing to do with you being in the closet! Oh my god, just because you were in fucking Narnia doesn’t give you a free pass to treat people badly!”

“That is not what I’m saying! I didn’t mean to treat you badly, and I’m truly sorry I made you feel like that, but I wasn’t ready and being there brought me back to how I used to be, I know is not an excuse but it’s the truth” Harper tried to explain, she didn’t want to keep fighting after all that happened, and Abby bringing it up again was upsetting her.

“You constantly ditched me in the parties or whatever social event, you let your parents believe I was a thief! You flirted with Connor… in front of me just to make me mad because of what happened with Riley. And it wasn’t just to me, you were terrible to Jane, your sister! Constantly! And barely apologized about her painting which she still feels sad about, yes, we talk sometimes” She added when she noted Harper’s face at the mention of her sister. “You lied to me about being out, you lied about your camping chicken pox or whatever with Connor, you lied about how it went down with Riley. You just… lied a lot” She ended with an exhale, she felt better, lighter, with everything in the open, or most of it anyways. She could have probably worded it better, but at this point nothing was going like she thought it would. “You knew I didn’t like Christmas and you told me you would give me the best one so I could learn to love it again, right before you shoved me back into the closet and made me lie until almost the end of the trip. Honestly the only nice time I had was when I was hanging out with Riley” The last part slipped out without her meaning to, she observed Harper while trying to calm her breathing, she seemed to be in shock and processing what she was just told.

“You had a better time with Riley?” Harper said softly. Abby snorted incredulously.

“That’s your take away? Really?” She could not believe Harper.

“Yes! I mean, no! it’s just… I thought I didn’t have any reason to be jealous of her and now you tell me this?” It wasn’t like Harper hadn’t heard anything else, and internally she knew this was about more than just that, but her mind would stop repeating the last sentence Abby said.

“Harper, this whole conversation is something we should have had as soon as we got home, but we put it off to try and recover some kind of normality, but the truth is, I’m still pretty hurt about the way you acted, when you denied me in front of everybody… that was really hard. And when you told me I was suffocating you? I just” Abby swallowed hard, trying to mind her words this time and bring the argument back to the point. “I know it was hard for you, but your decisions were still yours and so were your actions and the consequences” She paused, debating whether to tell her about the talk she had with John when Harper denied being in relationship with her, but decided if she was already going all in, then might as well go all in. “When your sister outed you, I walked outside and John talked to me. I understand we all have different stories, but I wanted someone who was at the same place that I am and that is also valid”

“But I did come out, I did it for us” Harper voice broke a little, this felt a lot like a break up, she feared if she wasn’t careful, she would lose Abby “We’re in the same place now”

“Yeah, we’re both out” Abby swallowed again, feeling a knot in her throat “But are we in the same place? You have a lot to work out with your family and, with yourself too I think, there’s a reason why there was so much you just wouldn’t tell me” Abby surprised even herself when she said that, she hadn’t really thought about it like that but now it rang nothing but truth.

“We are in the same place, I promise, I know now there was a lot I didn’t tell you, you’re right. I just… it really didn’t feel relevant at the time, but I wasn’t really lying, I was just telling what I thought was the important part of the story. I didn’t mean to hide anything” She was starting to feel a bit desperate, Abby questioning whether they were in the same place in life knocked the air out of her lungs, it felt like she was questioning whether to be with her or not.

“I just…” Abby started, now that everything was out in the open she felt lighter, it was the first step to start healing their relationship, but it also created doubt in her. She loved Harper; she really did. But was she what she wanted anymore? She wanted to marry her before, but the Harper she met this last days made her question if she really knew her, how many more things had she kept in the stories she told her when getting to know each other. “I just don’t know how many more things you just didn’t tell me so I wouldn’t change what I thought about you, I don’t know if I know you, the real you”

“Listen, please” Harper looked straight into Abby with teary eyes, taking her hands from her lap and holding them with her own. “You know me, all of me, I promise. I know it’s hard to believe right now, but I’m sorry for hurting you, for making you pretend something you’re not, for not treating you the way I should have and being so absorbed in my own drama that I couldn’t see how much damage I was making” Abby hesitated, she could tell Harper was in distress and it made her want to hug her and tell her it would be okay, she could also tell Harper really meant what she was saying. But Harper was right, it was hard to believe the person she thought she knew was the same one that was in front of her after everything that happened. “Abby please, now that I know all of this, how you feel, please let me make it up to you, I will never behave that way again”

“I don’t really want you to make up for it, there’s not a lot you can do now about what happened” Harper’s face fell when she heard those words, but Abby was quick to continue. “What I mean is, we can go forward now, I just ask of you, no more lies or surprises like that, I think I reached the lie quota of my life” She laughed quietly and awkwardly. “Also I want to thank you for the apology, and for listening to me, I really needed to talk about it” It was true, she felt drained out after so much emotional distress and was sure Harper felt the same way. “How about we order some take out and then go to bed, I can tell you about New Year’s tomorrow” She gave her girlfriend a small smile who smiled back at the olive branch.

They ordered some food and ate in amicable if not a bit uncomfortable silence, both of them in their own head. Abby felt a bit bad about how she broached the issue, but there wasn’t much she could do about it now and what still rounded her head was what she asked Harper, about being in the same place and the whole lying thing, she just couldn’t completely let it go for some reason. She also couldn’t take the image of Harper’s face out of her head, she looked almost heartbroken and it really hurt to think she was the one to make her feel that way, but at the same time it wasn’t the same feeling she used to get when she saw get girlfriend upset before. She filed that information with stuff she didn’t want to deal with right now. Her phone buzzed a couple of times so she decided to check it out.

 **John:** Soooo? Don’t leave a me hanging here, did you finally have “the talk”???

She rolls her eyes at her friend’s dramatics and shoot him back a text telling him not to say like that and that everything went fine, kind of, she would call him the next day. Then she noticed Riley had texted her too.

 **Riley:** Help, idk if I should finish this last 15 pages or just kill myself

Abby chuckled and typed _I’m sure you can manage 15 more pages, plus I need u alive for now_

 **Riley:** You just need me for my amazing charisma and doctor abilities, but sure I’ll give it a go, it’s not like 15 more pages are that much considering how much I still have left

Abby frowned, she knew Riley’s career was very demanding but she was really hoping her friend was taking care of herself, she didn’t know her well enough to know her habits yet. She smiled to herself, thinking about getting to know what her habits could be. _Just finish those and go to sleep, is getting late and you have to work tomorrow too._

 **Riley** : Ugh thnks for the reminder, I’ll go to sleep after I’m done, _mom_.

Abby smirked and looked up, noticing Harper was also on her phone checking her notifications. They were mostly done with their food so she stood up and took her plate and Harper’s (after she told her she was done too) to the kitchen.

“I can do the dishes” Came Harper’s voice from the entrance to the kitchen, where Abby was already starting on them

“I don’t mind, you’ve done it since we came back so it’s about time it’s my turn again” Abby answered. The air between them felt charged with a strange energy, different from the other times they had fights. There was silence for a couple of beats while Abby did the dishes when Harper finally spoke up, having stayed at the entrance all this time.

“So, you and Riley hanged out often?” Abby knew she should be careful with this line of questioning, Riley and her were friends now and it might be a bit weird, but she really didn’t want Harper to feel jealous or insecure.

“I wouldn’t say often, just a couple of times”

“Mmm” Harper mulled over. “You said I lied about how it went down with her, what did she tell you?” Oh, Abby really should have phrased that one better

“I shouldn’t have said it like that, I meant to say, she told me how you guys actually broke up and how that ended up with you outing her to pretty much the whole school” Harper winced, when that happened she was really young and scared, she tried no to think about it too much, and it worked. So much that she stopped feeling sorry about it a long time ago, even if she just apologised recently and only because she understood now how it must have felt, even so, it wasn’t that sincere because the person she wanted to apologise to at the moment was her girlfriend.

“I know how that must sound, I was young and I felt terrible about it, but it was a long time ago” Thinking about it now, Riley could have been so much worse to her, she could have told everyone Harper’s sexual orientation, but never even treated her badly. “Did you guys spend a lot of time together?” Abby rolled her eyes, those were pretty much the same question

“Not a lot, we just went to a drag show once and she helped me with the white elephant gift, that was about it”

“And you spent the white elephant party together as well” Harper remarked with a pointy stare

“While we were literally talking about you being with Connor” Abby was starting to get annoyed now. “Listen, Riley and I became kind of friends, she’s fun and saved me from drowning in trying to fit in there, since you couldn’t spare two second of your time to make me feel like I was part of it” And with that it seemed like they’re about to go full on fight when Harper’s phone rings. They look at each other for a second while the phone still rings. “You should go get that” Abby said, glad for the intervention. Harper huffs and goes to find her phone in the living room.

Abby finishes the dishes and puts away the left overs from the food in the fridge. She goes to their room and changes to her pyjamas, brushes her teeth and gets ready for bed, while she listens to Harper talking to her mom on the phone. She checks her own notifications and social media when she gets a text from Riley.

 **Riley:** There’s happiness and then there’s realizing that the last ten pages of a scientific paper are bibliography.

Abby laughs, understanding the feeling completely, but with more of humanistic paper than scientific, she has to read a lot now with finishing the PhD and well, in general. _Totally get it, it’s like a combination of bliss and euphoria beyond comparison lol_

 **Riley:** Couldn’t have said it better myself. I shall leave you now, my bed awaits. Sleep well (:

Well that brought a very vivid image to her mind about Riley in bed, which made her blush and panic, like, a lot. Riley is her friend, she’s nice, smart, fun and makes her laugh a lot. She also saved her life in that terrible town and it doesn’t hurt that she’s like, really pretty… and hot. Abby stopped breathing for a few seconds in panic, people don’t imagine their friends in their beds, right? Or maybe they did? Was it normal? It definitely wasn’t normal for her.

 _Goodnight, have a nice day tomorrow (: ._ She replied as soon as her hands started to work again. She needed to stop freaking out before Harper came back to the room, besides everything was fine. It wasn’t a big deal.

Harper came back to their room and made her own nightly routine before getting in bed, it seemed like the argument in the kitchen was over since they were both very tired. Harper hugged her and went to sleep, but she couldn’t calm her own mind.

She had a crush on Riley. It was a big deal.

**_Fuck_ **


End file.
